Posted on by MrBojanglez

Self Therapy

May,

                I’m writing this email because I want you to know what you’ve made me become.  Since our divorce I have done everything I can to move on.  I’ve developed new hobbies, moved to a new state and counseling.  Nothing has worked.  A few months ago, during a sleepless night I went for a drive to clear my mind.  Before I realized it, I had driven throughout the night and parked right in front of our home. (Well, my home that the courts awarded to you.)  Anyway, I felt as though my body moved on its own.  My hands opened the door, my legs moved to get out of the car.  A “clack” sound broke my stupor.  I looked down to see my loaded Smith & Wesson on the ground.  It must have fallen out of my lap as I tried to get out of the car but, I couldn’t remember why I had the gun or that I brought it with me.

                May, I would never NEVER hurt you.  I feel like my mind has cracked.  I love you too much to hurt you, but I need to burn, to destroy the thoughts of you in my head!

                See, this is where my “attacks” began.  I met a young lady a few weeks ago at a club.  I was at the bar trying to drink thoughts of you out of my mind even if it was for a few hours.  She came to me and introduced herself.  After a few drinks she invited me back to her place.  We made out briefly at her front door while she fiddled with the lock.  As soon as we got inside however, my God!

                PINK!  Everything was pink!  Your favorite color!  Why did she have to like pink?!  My head began to throb, like my brain was going to shove its way out of my forehead.  My heart started racing faster than I’ve known it to do.  I got dizzy.  Before I could stop myself, my hands were around her throat.  In my heart I knew what I was doing was wrong.  All I could see was the color pink and your face, on her body.  With all the force I had in me I squeezed.  She tried to claw my face and arms to break free with no results.  I heard something crunch in her neck and she went limp.  As the light faded from her eyes it was if a light had been turned on in me.  The headache subsided, my strength was sapped and I felt as though a fog had been cleared.  Once I saw her crumpled body on her floor I fled as fast as I could.  May, the strangest thing happened on that drive home.  The color pink no longer bothered me like it did that night.  It was like, killing that girl was a form of self-therapy.  Killing her was me, killing off a painful memory of you!  Of course, I had to test the theory.

                Rachel, a little slip of a thing who worked at a library downtown asked me out several times in the past.  She’s not my type though, you…you are my type.  Well, I went there to return a few books well passed the due date. We spoke and she asked me out again.  This time, I accepted.  We went to dinner…nothing.  We went to a movie…nothing.  I had begun to think that I was on an average date and that the club girl was a fluke ya know?  I got the anger and frustration I had in me released when I strangled her.  I asked Rachel to my apartment because there was NOTHING in there that reminded me of you, I did that to reduce any chances of those headaches.  To be honest, as the night continued, I took a liking to Rachel.  I even entertained the idea of a second, third or fourth date.  We got to my place and I showed her around before leaving her in the living room while I went to the kitchen to fix a nightcap.  I remember cracking some sort of corny joke and she laughed.  Her laugh was truly beautiful, full of life and sweet.  Then it happened.

                That laugh was beautiful as I said, but it was emphasized at the end by a little snort.  Just…like…yours.  My head pounded, my vision got fuzzy.  I receded into my own mind.  Once again, my body was carrying out actions without my consent!  I watched myself shatter a glass, causing her to run into the kitchen to check on me.  I couldn’t stop myself when she approached me and I shoved a large jagged piece into her eye.  She let out a bit of a scream but nothing that the neighbors could hear.  As before, the pain fizzled away and a moment of clarity came.  I knew then that if someone were to snort after a laugh, I would be ok.  The cleanup was tedious I confess.  However, I was able to (over time mind you) carry her out of there and dispose of her.

                Since Rachel, I have committed several horrible crimes against really wonderful women!  There was Sarah, her favorite restaurant was Benici’s, you love Benici’s; she was shot with the same Smith & Wesson that I brought to your home so long ago.  Joan, she was so beautiful.  She was terrified of a spider that made its way into my car like you.  I bludgeoned her to death with a tire iron. There are many others but that’s not the reason for this email.

                This is me, asking you, to stop me.  I can’t stop myself.  I’ve been fortunate enough not to get caught so far, but I overlooked something during my “self-counseling.”  You see May, my head hurts worse than ever before and it has become difficult to continue typing right now.  You recall that the courts awarded me joint custody of Patricia and as the order instructed, I picked her up from the bus depot for her six month stay with me.  We’re supposed to go to Pizza Palace for dinner.  She’s standing just outside of my bedroom door with an impatient look across her face.

                And it made me think of you.

 

End.

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